Administrator; Rock Elite; Posts: 1531; Thanked: 139 times; Karma: 146; Twilight of Mischief; Sick Irish Jokes Join here. , Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat. Gaelic breath.. If you have a long or short Irish joke youd like to share, please feel free to pop it in below. Tony, he called. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. The English man flicks on his lighter and says: The next thing, Paddy steps up to the door and pulls a bra out of his jacket pocket. Will you go for it?. He asks the first fella for his name and address. Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! "I can't wait to have you inside me." 2. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says. They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. The Guinness factory 9. They make me so angry that as soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone." Danny is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Mick, is wearing an earring. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. Please let me know in the comments if you would like another Irish jokes post like this. Here are five of the very best Irish jokes that will get the whole bar laughing! Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. Share to Twitter. God. . !, Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. ? he replies. WELL spotted Craige! Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. The gentleman - it's the thought that counts Wasnt your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year? The diagnosis Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. Paddy says to Murphy, Im gonna get the day off. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared, and he started laughing. David Hughes. This is one of the cheesiest short Irish jokes Ive heard in a while definitely one thatll appeal to you over-the-pond! A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, How much is this gold tinsel?, Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre., Wow, thats grand, said Mary. Enjoy! The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it.. He hears a priest come in. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? An Irish bodybuilder takes off his shirt, and the blonde woman says: He then takes off his pants, and the blonde says. You cant do that, says the Irishman. Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. It was a good six months before he ran intoMick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isnt sitting on any dodgy surfaces. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. These ones are sure to get the whole pub laughing. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy., Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions., Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. 2. Pat. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. ; Performance management Build highperforming teams with performance reviews, feedback, goaltracking & 1on1s delivered in the flow of work. Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. The drunken priest 2. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. The priest replies, "So yo . When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. Sprechen sie Deutsch? Again, the old men shake their heads. A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. Why are you laughing? "Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. The woman never batted an eye. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the loudspeaker. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. Whiskey Q: Why did God invent whiskey? A week later the lad comes back. But could you put it in a cup? He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true?, And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?, And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read?, Paddy went to the Docs today. If people go past, I dont want them to see me drinking.. He hears a priest come in. what I think is gas, you might think is crap. Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. She was back home. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. Mother drank a little, then a little more. I said, what instructions, Paddy? So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. ir local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue. A light bulb goes off 5. The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. 1. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. Share to Reddit. They all go. She yells at him, Is that all youre going to do tonight? These sick jokes are straight to the gut, and you'll find the punchline as soon as you hear it. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. Taking a stupid bet like that. At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. They didnt do it last year.. The doctor replies: "You only have 24 . The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. Love Irish jokes. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Ms Murphy. Score: 20. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely?. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. F*ck this, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room. Anto replied, Delighted? He went to blow out dat feckin' candle"! P.S Dont forget to like our Facebook page on Irish jokes, Categories Ireland, Irish Humor, Irish Jokes, Irish Memes, Irish Pictures, Irish Poem: To A Child Dancing In The Wind, By W. B. Yeats, Incantata, By Paul Muldoon An Irish Poem About A Friend And Their Strength. So when Seans 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. Some of these are just repurposed jokes like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is a repurposed dumb blond joke. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, Here! The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a If you enjoyed these jokes, you would also enjoy these 15 more Irish jokes here. Here is your money .. Is it the best Irish joke over?. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. . Easily offended? What did the oven say to the chicken? You were diddled. Well, I was thinkin. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick. Sick Jokes One Liners If you're looking for jokes that are straight to the point, one-liners are for you. By clicking "Accept", you agree to this and the sharing of information about your use of . The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. I just drive everywhere. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. Hunchback!. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. I got mine for ten thousand euros only, said Paddy. 5 yrs. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. Thats my old one!, Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. The bartender asks him, Why did you do that? And Paddy replies, Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick. "What's the matter?" Seamus asks as he walks in. Haha. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. Youre joking says the patient. The president was happy to oblige. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. A Paddy-long-legs., What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? Have you looked for the door? Paddy Irishman replies Well, theres one door that leads to the bathroom. Of course, said the president. Potto who? Theyre for resting my balls on when Im driving, says Tiger. Sick Irish Jokes by Patrick Morrison | Goodreads Jump to ratings and reviews Want to read Buy on Amazon Rate this book Sick Irish Jokes Patrick Morrison 0.00 0 ratings0 reviews 50 pages, Paperback Book details & editions About the author Patrick Morrison 7 books1 follower Ratings Reviews Friends Following Who's there? The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. ', Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? A Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on whose God is more powerful. The empty glass 8. The Irishman pockets the 500.00 and goes right back to sleep. If you enjoy these, you will love the others here. Mother, the nuns asked with earnest, Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. The couple is in bed when the phone rings at two am. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. You see, were normally a three-man team. back to drinking beer. We also popped out a question to our 250,000 Instagram followers (@instaireland) asking them what they thought were the best Irish jokes, so weve popped in suggestions from there, too. Getting directions 3. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Here are 9 of the dirtiest Irish jokes you can only laugh at if you're over 18 . How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. He moves closer about 20 feet. 3. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! . Booger 17 Hospital 6 Medicine 3 Sickness 21 Sneeze 17. If you are the type of person who enjoys a good dose of Irish jokes, then this little collection will definitely crack you up. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. I stir it in with my left hand, replied the first lad. Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his The doctor told him to try a bottle of tablets and to come back if the problem persists. Hello. She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest?. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." --. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! You are always pretending to be a Transformer!" Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? God agrees and the man tells the joke. After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. ", "Denise actually, I quite like that. What's black and screams? So the foreman takes the bet. From down stairs Paddy could be heard "WHAT'S THE USE OF FOOKIN ONE?". Did he have . I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me only 5.00 then you ask me one, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you 500.00, he says. They didnt do it last year.. ; Employee development Grow and retain your people with the only personalized solution for effective, continuous development. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. 101 Corny Jokes 1. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. Itll take over your life! Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. You will love our Coronavirus One Liner Jokes And Puns but firstly we would like to point out that the Coronavirus itself is no joke, it is serious and even deadly business. "Yes sir, our coffee cannot hide how strong it is.". 9. The Irish pride themselves on their humor. Home Page. It wasnt that great, he said. !, No she replied. Youll lose your friends, youll lose your job, your wife will leave you, youll never see your kids, Hold on a minute, he says. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. Im very sorry to hear that, says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right., Oh, the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy, It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!, An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy. They found a lamp and rubbed it. Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. Well, are you feeling any better?, asked the doctor. 9. How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, 17 Of The Best Irish Wedding Songs (With Spotify Playlist). Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. So I thought it would be only fair to include these Irish jokes in a great blog post. The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, Okay pedestrians, he said, Lets go. Sure is, Patrick. 5. Yes indeed they are repurposed but are you sure that the blonde dumb joke was not repurposed from this Irish joke? 8. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out. Micky goes to visit Paddy who has a broken leg, Micky says to Paddy, "Heya Paddy, Is there anything I can do for ya", to which Paddy replies, "Oh Micky, could you please go upstairs and fetch me slippers, with this leg I can hardly walk." But no matter how hard it gets, there's always a cold weapon known as a sense of humor. Tell me, do you have insurance?. Wishes. 7. ! Well no. Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys) Paddy's Doughnuts. O'Brien?" They worked up along one street and then down the other. Foreman: How do you make money??!! Its your water tank. 87 Coronavirus And Quarantine Jokes To Retrain Your Face To Smile. After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Two paddies were working for the city public works department. I have kidnapped your dog. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. Kelly said he was going to Rome for 5 yrs. She replied, One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband's best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. Ill take 12 metres.. Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another before it starts. She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. 10. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" The Hollyoaks actress, 35, has been spending most of her days at home Shes over the fu*king moon!'. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. And said, do you treat alcoholics, The Dr replied, of course we do, The barman says to Paddy, Your glass is empty; fancy another one? lookin puzzled, Paddy says, Why would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?, Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?. later Fr. In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. He moves closer about 20 feet. -. Oh my God she replied. So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. It's important to have a good vocabulary. 1) Best Irish joke is "The Doctor." Irish Jokes the doctor. An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. What did he call the boy?". He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. And laughter literally makes us stronger. Jokes from you. Two Irishmen, Declan and Seamus were walking down a country road, when they. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Turn back from the path of sin!, What?! Share via email. Theyre called tees, replies Tiger. o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. The horse says, "Buddyyou read my mind!". Some of these are plucked from memory (probably the bad ones) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups. Danny knows Mick to be a normally conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden . The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. But it shouldnt be long now her clothes arrived yesterday. One of the questions was How do you stir sugar into your tea?. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. 8. An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and three whiskies, his money had run outbut poor Paddy wanted a few more. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. 60. One lad digging the holes. They dont, says the Irishman. A lad from Clare went to his local doctor with cramps from constipation. Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. No, the man replied. Irish Fishing Trip. The man replies, "Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.". "Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Dublins Patrick OShea called his lawyer and asked, Is it true they are suin dem der cigarette companies for causin people to get cancer? She nodded, and they got up to dance. -24. nadnerb4ever 6 yr. ago. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and. Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, Gran tis my 18th birthday. Young man, said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. Its. While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!, Finally, Collins interrupts. Humor is an essential coping tool for surviving tough times. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. 1. Ah yes, the Irish joke, beloved of northern English comedians in the 1970s, but driven underground by killjoys and lefties in the 80s and 90s, along with jokes about Blacks, "Pakis" and Jews . Theres a nun standing outside it. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. "That was a nasty little habit you had!" 2. The list goes on. Because only a few of them could pass the bar., Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? -. But this is a newsagents'. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks, Parla Italiano? The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. You must be Irish, she replied. Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night., Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. Here is your money .. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. Top of the mornin to yer, Sir, says the attendant.